Single

So, now that I am almost single, I can taste it, breathe it and look forward to it. Over the past year, I have had quite the transformation, mainly in my own thinking. Instead of thinking of myself as a victim, and having events in my life outside of my control, I had to change the way I was thinking. Yes, I have responsibility for the death of my marriage. I do not, on the other hand, have any responsibility for others' actions and what they did to get out of the marriage.

I have been so scared to be alone, because I didn't want to be lonely. Yes, it is hard to manage a household, raise three kids, earn a living, etc. practically alone. But I have found it rather refreshing. Instead of asking what someone else thinks about rearranging furniture, or what activities the kids should be involved with, I just make the decision. It's freedom to trust my own judgements, and make mistakes on my own. I am independent by nature, and a quick decision maker. Since I don't have to answer to anyone else, I can make decisions more confidently.

What I've been scared of is being lonely, and I miss the affection of someone you care about. I am not a mushy person, but this has been the hardest part of being single so far. I miss counting on a kiss every day, or hearing that someone else loves me. I miss being able to show affection to someone. (other than my children) I am not so desperate for this interaction that I am willing to sacrifice my values just to have someone show me affection. But it's a very real feeling.

The scariest thought for me is that this is The Rest of My Life, not just a Phase of being single. There is a chance that I may never find another life partner and that I will be single for the rest of my life. There is also a chance I will fall in love again and have a partner in my life. But what if I never find that man, and these feelings that I think will pass, don't really pass. This could be it. It's not alone that I mind, but being lonely.

Self-haircut

I knew this time would come, and thank goodness it wasn't all that bad! Ben got ahold of the scissors and cut his hair. Well, I think he only cut like 4 hairs. But I didn't notice HIS hair right away, somuchas his stuffed bear's hair. His bear is Judy. I had the nail scissors on my bedside table, and before I knew it I saw him crouching down by the garbage.
He said, "Look, I gave Judy a haircut."
I said, "well now Judy looks wacky. You have a wacky hair bear."
Then his eyes got kind of big and he said very seriously, "I did my hair too. Is mine wacky?"

I couldn't even notice where he cut it, so it was fine. I reassured him that his hair would grow back but not to do that again because he'd look wacky for a while.

Then the blow - I had to tell him Judy's would never grow back.
"Judy's won't grow back because he's only a stuffed animal?
He's made of stuffed.
Things made of stuffed don't grow back, Mommy?"

No, Ben, things made of stuffed don't grow. Sorry, bud.
Oh, and Judy, you still look cool. It just looks like you stood too close to the clippers on one little ear. We'll get you one of those Build-a-bear ear bows and no one will notice.