Single

So, now that I am almost single, I can taste it, breathe it and look forward to it. Over the past year, I have had quite the transformation, mainly in my own thinking. Instead of thinking of myself as a victim, and having events in my life outside of my control, I had to change the way I was thinking. Yes, I have responsibility for the death of my marriage. I do not, on the other hand, have any responsibility for others' actions and what they did to get out of the marriage.

I have been so scared to be alone, because I didn't want to be lonely. Yes, it is hard to manage a household, raise three kids, earn a living, etc. practically alone. But I have found it rather refreshing. Instead of asking what someone else thinks about rearranging furniture, or what activities the kids should be involved with, I just make the decision. It's freedom to trust my own judgements, and make mistakes on my own. I am independent by nature, and a quick decision maker. Since I don't have to answer to anyone else, I can make decisions more confidently.

What I've been scared of is being lonely, and I miss the affection of someone you care about. I am not a mushy person, but this has been the hardest part of being single so far. I miss counting on a kiss every day, or hearing that someone else loves me. I miss being able to show affection to someone. (other than my children) I am not so desperate for this interaction that I am willing to sacrifice my values just to have someone show me affection. But it's a very real feeling.

The scariest thought for me is that this is The Rest of My Life, not just a Phase of being single. There is a chance that I may never find another life partner and that I will be single for the rest of my life. There is also a chance I will fall in love again and have a partner in my life. But what if I never find that man, and these feelings that I think will pass, don't really pass. This could be it. It's not alone that I mind, but being lonely.

Self-haircut

I knew this time would come, and thank goodness it wasn't all that bad! Ben got ahold of the scissors and cut his hair. Well, I think he only cut like 4 hairs. But I didn't notice HIS hair right away, somuchas his stuffed bear's hair. His bear is Judy. I had the nail scissors on my bedside table, and before I knew it I saw him crouching down by the garbage.
He said, "Look, I gave Judy a haircut."
I said, "well now Judy looks wacky. You have a wacky hair bear."
Then his eyes got kind of big and he said very seriously, "I did my hair too. Is mine wacky?"

I couldn't even notice where he cut it, so it was fine. I reassured him that his hair would grow back but not to do that again because he'd look wacky for a while.

Then the blow - I had to tell him Judy's would never grow back.
"Judy's won't grow back because he's only a stuffed animal?
He's made of stuffed.
Things made of stuffed don't grow back, Mommy?"

No, Ben, things made of stuffed don't grow. Sorry, bud.
Oh, and Judy, you still look cool. It just looks like you stood too close to the clippers on one little ear. We'll get you one of those Build-a-bear ear bows and no one will notice.

Baby Food

My friends who know me at all, know how cheap (I prefer the word "frugal") I am. Jack started eating baby food about a month ago. I was very lax about it, since he was a preemie and behind developmentally. I didn't want to push it on him if he wasn't ready, but at the same time, I would like my breasts back eventually. He likes it, but I don't know how much he actually ingests and digests.

So, I am cheap. Super cheapo. I have the disease "If it wasn't free, I paid too much." I am always looking for a deal. Hence, all the furniture in my house is cheap crap. Maybe that has to do more with having kids, but I hate spending money. So I make baby food.

This started out of necessity when Grace was born and not having any money. I would buy a bag of frozen veggies on sale for $1, mash them in my baby food grinder, and freeze the food for future use. So now veggies are about $1.75 a bag. With one bag I can get about 8 jars of food. At the grocery store, 8 jars is about $4.50 if you are lucky. And this adds up. Right now he eats 1/3 jar a day, but that will go up and up to about 3 jars a day. That is a $1.70 savings each and every day.

So all you do is cook whatever food you want to make, so it is over-cooked, nice and mushy. If you have a babyfood grinder like I do, you grind away. If not, a food processor or blender works well, but are big containers so there is a lot of scraping. Then you use old baby food jars (from things you can't make at home like bananas, prunes, peas) and fill them about 2/3 full. Label them, with tape or marker, then freeze. Viola! You have home-made, healthy, cheap babyfood.

OK - don't try peas. I have tried it and it's very hard because you have to practially skin each pea to get the mushy stuff inside. It takes time, and is frustrating. It will clog your baby food grinder. Also, bananas don't save well. Use fresh or buy it. The best things to make are: carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans, apples, pears). Do NOT try: peas, broccoli, bananas, strawberries.

I still don't have any money, but if I did, I think I would still make my own food. You know what is in it, it's very easy and the babies like it. Viola!

Underoos

I just went shopping for new bras and panties. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel good when I wear matching undergarments. I feel like even though no one will ever see them, I look nice under all those layers. It makes you feel pretty and sexy to wear nice things like that.

For men: equate it to a new pair of socks. The kind that's slippery on most floors because they haven't been washed. They fit your foot exactly, not too tight, and are extra soft. That's what it feels like to a girl to have on fancy panties or matching undies. It's just a nice feeling.

Yeah! I have matching fancy undies! This feels better than school-clothes shopping!

R.I.P. VHS

I read a newspaper article a few weeks ago, that the last supplier of VHS is shutting his doors. No more VHS. Whatever is left at stores is it, people. Why, I ask is VHS dead? I understand it doesn't age that well, supposedly, and DVD's have a better quality.
My son sits in the other room watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, made in 1983. It's a VHS. It's as old as my little sister. The quality seems just fine, for the time it was made. It was a hand me down, from a hand me down, from a hand me down.
Here are the reasons I love VHS:
1)It's virtually kid-proof! They throw them, bang them and can put them in the VCR themselves. My kids aren't allowed to handle DVD's because of too many scratched movies or broken disks.
2) They are so cheap! You can buy your kids a whole library of Disney movies for about $1.99 a movie at Goodwill. That's economical.
3) Many of my old home movies are VHS. The ones from my childhood are classics. We used to make our own Saturday Night Live-style show in high school at sleepovers and those are hilarious! I made a few high school and college projects with camcorders, and help from the techie editing guys.
4) They last longer than people think. (see reference to 1983 movie above). AND if you accidently pull the tape out, just wind it back up. If you scratch a DVD, you can't really undo that.

I admit it. I am a closet VHS lover! They rock!

List of things

I think everyone has a list of things they want to do before they die. Even if you've never written it out (sorry, Oprah I'm a bit busy). But I think most people have a few things in their head that they would like to do, even if in their wildest dreams.

On my list would be: skydive, be debt-free (like not even a house payment), run a marathon, meet the pope, travel to 5 continents. Plus more I'm sure, if I actually wrote them down.

I asked my children's father (for lack of better term) what he wanted in life. And his list consisted of robbing a bank, and knowing what it's like to kill someone. Seriously. He said, "oh, I'd never do it, but I've always wanted to know what that feels like." Seriously? There can be no moral compass there at all. That was a huge moment for me when I realized he truly was pretending to be someone he is not.

So back to me, because it is my blog. I am going to tackle one of the things on my list this year. I figure, I am not getting any younger, no time like the present, I want to do something crazy (not kill-someone-crazy, but normal-person-crazy). I registered for Grandma's Marathon. You are probably laughing because I would be too. But if I tell people I will have more motivation for my training. I can't quit, because then I'd have to tell you all I've quit. And Lord knows how I hate being wrong.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest. Rachel came up with a training schedule to make it very easy for me to follow. She is my Yoda and I do what she says. Wish me luck.

Hello World!

OK - it took me like 10 minutes to figure out how to post a new blog, but now I'm good. I think of myself as technologically capable, but this web site is not very user friendly. I was freakin' frustrated!
So I am not sure what to post here. I have a lot of things I could write about because I have an opinion on everything. Check back for more.