Tuesday, May 26, 2009

One year


I don't take much time to think about the events that led to me finding out my marriage was over. What I think about is what my life is like now, and the things I must deal with in the present and future. If I spent time thinking of these tragic life events, I would dwell in anger, hurt and pain. I am not repressing feelings or denying that I still feel that way. However, I don't indulge the feelings.

This Memorial Day weekend was one year since my panic attack, when I found out that my husband had been unfaithful in my home while I was on vacation for the weekend. Then proceeded to find out it had been going on for three months, since he had moved out, and I was left at home to care for a 6 and 3 year old, and my pregnant self. It pisses me off just writing it.

One year feels like a lifetime. I am still angry, but I also feel that this year has brought so many changes, a lifetime worth of change.
I am grateful that this happened.
That's right - I am grateful. I thank God for many things.

1. I hadn't spoken to my dad in a year and a half, and this huge life event forced us to become closer. Literally and figuratively. I stayed in his house for two weeks while recovering from the attack, and learned to value his advice and relationship. I am thankful that we are now very close.

2. I know what I can handle. By gosh, if I can handle all of this, and live to see the other side, then I can handle just about anything!! I feel like such a strong person, and empowered to know what I can handle. People say to me, "I don't know how you do it." or "I can't believe you are going to do that - I couldn't handle it." What is my choice? to hide under a rock? I will take my children on a road trip by myself. I will try my best to raise two boys who will not remember having a father at home. I will continue to live in and maintain my house as best I can (no matter how daunting that is). I will take the children camping. Because if I can handle such a life-altering, painful situation that I did one year ago, I can handle anything!

3. I feel I have a stronger hold on my own values and my faith in God. Without Him, how would I have survived? How do I continue to survive? Only by God's grace and love. I know the values are most important to me as I live my life, especially as an example to my children.

4. I really do have a wonderful family. My brothers and sister, my mother and father, almost surprised me with what they did for me. They showed me that they are capable of unconditional love, and that they really would do anything for me. I hope one day I can show them that I would do the same.

5. I really need a vacation!!! I had been saying that for years, but man it is so true now. And I am doing something about it! I am saving money little by little so that next fall I can go away by myself.