Single

So, now that I am almost single, I can taste it, breathe it and look forward to it. Over the past year, I have had quite the transformation, mainly in my own thinking. Instead of thinking of myself as a victim, and having events in my life outside of my control, I had to change the way I was thinking. Yes, I have responsibility for the death of my marriage. I do not, on the other hand, have any responsibility for others' actions and what they did to get out of the marriage.

I have been so scared to be alone, because I didn't want to be lonely. Yes, it is hard to manage a household, raise three kids, earn a living, etc. practically alone. But I have found it rather refreshing. Instead of asking what someone else thinks about rearranging furniture, or what activities the kids should be involved with, I just make the decision. It's freedom to trust my own judgements, and make mistakes on my own. I am independent by nature, and a quick decision maker. Since I don't have to answer to anyone else, I can make decisions more confidently.

What I've been scared of is being lonely, and I miss the affection of someone you care about. I am not a mushy person, but this has been the hardest part of being single so far. I miss counting on a kiss every day, or hearing that someone else loves me. I miss being able to show affection to someone. (other than my children) I am not so desperate for this interaction that I am willing to sacrifice my values just to have someone show me affection. But it's a very real feeling.

The scariest thought for me is that this is The Rest of My Life, not just a Phase of being single. There is a chance that I may never find another life partner and that I will be single for the rest of my life. There is also a chance I will fall in love again and have a partner in my life. But what if I never find that man, and these feelings that I think will pass, don't really pass. This could be it. It's not alone that I mind, but being lonely.