Work

I have been busy! BUSY.
I am now working full time. I have no idea where I even found 40 hours in the week to give to a company, but I did. Whew! It does feel good to have my own workspace, feel accomplished at the end of the day, and contribute to society...and mostly talk to other adults.

But it's quite tiring. Here is my typical morning:

6:15 am wake up and grab coffee
6:30 in the shower
6:40 start makeup and turn lights on to wake up kids
6:55 wake up older two children
7:00 get self dressed and hair done
7:05 wake up the baby, nurse baby, get baby dressed
7:15 grab lunch, another coffee to go, get out the door
7:30 drop boys off at daycare
7:45 drop daughter off at dad's house or wherever she is staying until school starts
8:00 start work!

The older kids are doing well with getting themselves ready in the morning, so that's good. They get up and brush their teeth, and get dressed (in clothes laid out the night before. that is key). They don't eat breakfast at home, unless they are "starving" so I make them cinnamon toast for the car ride. I eat breakfast at work. Oatmeal in a styrofoam cup.

I have no energy because it's Friday night....more on this going to work thing later...

My baby

Here is a picture of my youngest when he was born. Look how teeny tiny he was!! 5 lb 6 oz and 6 weeks early. He has his one year doctor visit this afternoon and I'll find out how much he weighs and how his development is going. He seems to me to be perfectly happy and healthy to me and if I may say so, the cutest little bugger in the whole world!!!

Happy Birthday Jack-Jack!!

My Single Baby

One year ago right now, my water broke. 10:30 PM on Saturday, July 19, 2008, my water broke while I was at my parents' house. I was only 34 weeks pregnant, and my sister's wedding was the following Saturday. Also, my two oldest children were born cesarean, so I had to have a repeat cesarean - not good to have your water break and go into labor.

It's kind of a funny story. My sister had just had her hair cut. She was really upset because she didn't like how the stylist had cut her hair - only one week before her wedding. "And the pictures last forever," she said. "I can't have bad hair!" So we all gathered in the living room to cheer her up. My brother told a joke and I laughed. I thought I had peed my pants, from laughing so hard. But then I stood up and realized that was not pee!

My mother and sister drove me to the hospital, with towels between my legs. At that point I was having pretty painful contractions and was worrying about the baby. But mostly I was worried about me. I wasn't ready for this baby, and my sister's wedding was only a week away!!! Cesareans mean 4 nights in the hospital for me, plus a few weeks of exhaustion and recovery.

My beautiful little boy was born in the wee hours of the morning on July 20, 2008. He weighed just 5 lb 6 oz, but was healthy. He didn't know how to suck, so I worked tirelessly to teach him how to nurse. He left the special care nursery 14 days later, able to nurse and ready to come home.

I call my youngest "My Single Baby" because, really, I have been a single mother to him since before he was born. In case you didn't notice, there is one important figure in this story missing: my baby's father. He moved out 3 months before I went into labor. He had divulged his affair to me just 6 weeks prior to me going into labor, and I had just moved back home alone with my children, after a 2 week recovery period at my parents' house, just 4 weeks before going into labor.

I was very very much a single mother. I had to find family members to watch the kids while I was at the hospital. I had wonderful family and friends drive me to the hospital every day to nurse him for 3 or 4 of his feedings during the day. I was the only advocate for this teeny tiny baby in the special care nursery, trying my best to get him home - to this family consisting of just a mother and siblings.

My Single Baby has never lived with his father. He does not know a two-parent household. He still wakes up in the middle of the night to nurse, because there is no one else to go in and comfort him and help him fall asleep. He probably doesn't get the same patience the other kids got at that age - I just don't have what I used to. But he is loved SO much, by me, his siblings, extended family and wonderful friends. I am so blessed to have him in my life, to care for him every day, and to love him. At night, when I nurse him to sleep, I often think that he is all mine. He is my baby. All mine. And I relish that. My Single Baby.

My Green-ish Thumb

I am soooo sore. I decided last night that this would be the day I would tackle the little patch of earth in my front yard. I think it used to be grass, which died. Then we bought sod, and that died. It is that little circular area between my porch and my walkway to the front door. You know what I'm talking about - awkward area, right?
So today I spent way too much money on perennials at Home Depot. Then came home and realized that somewhere along the line, it had been a rock garden. Great! Then went to True Value to buy manure and topsoil. Put that down and graded the pretty little mound of earth. Then laid out landscaping tarp, and finally, planted 15 or so perennials.
This adventure took me all day! Why do I always underestimate how long it will take me do complete projects? I thought it would take me the morning, then I could organize my garage in the afternoon. No way... now the poor garage is being left until next week sometime.
I will post pictures of my masterpiece once I take some. I was too tired to lift the camera. Taking some Tylenol PM tonight for this sore back.

Things I Learned While Camping With Three Children

1. Campgrounds are like a trial-run for the real world our children are entering. They got quite a few liberties on this camping trip, like going to the bathrooms alone, roaming the area on bikes, and meeting new friends. They also had some lessons. Like don't ditch your little brother. If your little brother is running, and you are biking, slow down so he doesn't get left behind. Also, if Mom has to go to the bathroom and it's not dark enough to pee next to the tent, don't even think about touching that fire when I am gone. And I am taking the little brother with me, because he would do more than think to touch the fire.
2. Invest in a 5-way pack-n-play. They are way cooler than a regular pack-n-play because they not only contain small children, and have wheels for moving it into the tent at night, but they include a sun-protecting mesh canopy thing. It's awesome!
3. Put your cell phone number or camp site number on your children's arms with permanent marker or pen. (I can not take credit for this idea, only the implementation.)
   (gasp!) but that will seep into their skin and isn't good for them!
   Well, neither is being kidnapped or getting lost in the dark in an unfamiliar campground. OK?
4. Candy thrown from 4th of July parade floats and cupcakes do not a meal make. This is why this "meal" will sooner or later (probably sooner) make a repeat appearance. This one's a lesson for ME. Next time I will force feed them real food or not allow the eating of parade candy as it's thrown.
5. Someone should invent child-sized ear plugs. Boy #1 can fall asleep anywhere (and has been crashed on my living room floor for 2 hours as I type this). Boy #2 is an infant, and when tired enough, can also sleep through anything. However, Girl #1 did not like our neighbors singing and talking loudly until midnight. She had me call the main office to tell them about it, but no one answered the call. She was stuck with trying to fall asleep through the noise and I was stuck with her waking me up several times to tell me she couldn't fall asleep.
6. Don't forget your air mattress. I actually left it at home because there is a small leak and I didn't have the time or energy to fix it before we left. Bad idea!!! Dirt is hard! I would have rather started on the mattress and ended up on the ground, than just started off on the ground.
7. Don't forget your toothbrush. In all truthfulness, I wouldn't have cared if one of the kids forgot theirs. When unsupervised, they brush for all of 5 seconds anyway. Yeah, it was me. I had to borrow G's. It was that or nothing, and I do not like that fuzzy sweater feeling on my teeth at night, camping or not.
8. Camp eggs and toast is the absolute best! I look forward to that meal every time I go camping. There is something about that camp toast...I butter both sides of the bread and put it on the griddle right next to the eggs. Then flip. It's a cross between french toast without the french, or grill cheese with no cheese. Yum!
9. Bring a bike for everyone. The kids had fun riding around on the trails and with their friends. The last day of camping I rented a bike, and a bike trailer for the boys. I was thinking we'd ride for a few hours. Yea, the bikes they rent don't have hand-brakes. That was fine. Weird, but fine. They also are one-speed. Have you ever tried towing 40 lb. of small children uphill on a one-speed bike? It wasn't easy.
10. Children will eat a marshmallow that lands anywhere. Even if it lands in the fire and is picked back up onto the pokey-thing. It will get eaten. Don't ask me why.

Jon & Kate

I heard Jon and Kate (of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame) filed for legal separation.

I don't like their show because it stresses me out just to watch it. Kate is way too intense for me. I don't know her, so I can't judge her. It is not entertaining for me to watch, so I stopped watching it a while ago.



I am of the age, or maturity, or whatever, that I don't waste time on media that doesn't entertain me. I don't finish boring books, and I change boring television shows. I have better things to do with my time.



Back to the divorce: it makes me sad. I don't like hearing that any marriage breaks up. My sympathy is for the children. First, their parents decide to use in vitro to get pregnant. They desperately wanted children, so many in fact, that they ended up with eight after only two pregnancies. That would be hard enough to explain to young children, and now they have to explain they are getting divorced.



I don't think those kids have a chance. Growing up with cameras in their house, watching their parents' marriage break up. My sympathies and prayers are with those children.

"At Least You Have Your Kids"

So...more and more I am realizing that I am alone. I am lonely.
I don't have a partner, a spouse, a confidant, etc. blah blah...
(quit yer complainin', I hear you say)

Ok, Ok. When good friends ask how I am doing, I share that I am adjusting to being alone. What really erks me is some people's response:
"Well, at least you have your kids."

What? Like my children are the consolation prize for not having a husband? Like they can somehow fill that void that I have for a partner and a best friend. I firmly believe that your children should never be your best friends. I am sorry, but those women out there who claim that their 16-year old daughter is "my very best friend" are very sad indeed. Really??? You share everything, you tell her everything? I don't think that's healthy or normal.

Granted, I do believe that when children are adults that it is fine to be friends with them. But best friends? I still cringe when I hear my mother talk about anyhthing sexual and my dad in the same sentence. There is a line you just don't cross, and when your children are your very best friends, you've crossed a line that is unhealthy.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I have unconditional love for them and think they are the best kids in the whole wide world. But that doesn't mean that they can hold the place of another relationship. Nor would I want them to feel that way. Then one day (God willing) when I fall in love, and find a partner, my poor kids would feel pushed aside, since they were holding that spot for me.

For the time being, there is a little vacant place in my heart. But it's ok for it to be vacant. Yes, at least I do have my kids, but they have been and always will hold their own special place in my heart.

The Cutest Little VBSers

I have to share this photo of Vacation Bible School.

The big kids love going and have so much fun! But what I love about this photo is that it shows you the adorable little shirt they got for Baby J. I just love that he was included! And he wore his shirt every day, just like the big kids.

The Unexpected Kindness of Friends

I had a mini-melt down today because I was paying the bills. It happens almost every month. I freak out because of money, then I get really anxious that I haven't found a job. Now, I have to admit, I should be spending more time looking for work. I do apply to positions that look of interest, and look into opportunities that friends present me with. BUT I should be doing more. I need to dedicate a few hours each and every day to this.

Anyway, I had a little melt-down. So I called an old friend and we talked, mainly about job opportunities. I had meant the call to be for networking, but I must have come accross as more desperate and upset than I thought. My friend stopped by after work today and brought me a gift. My friend brought me some money. (as a loan - I will pay it back when I am in a better spot) I thought that was the nicest thing that someone could do for me. Without words, advice, chastising, or expectations, or strings attached, my friend just did what my friend could do. Wow.

One year

I don't take much time to think about the events that led to me finding out my marriage was over. What I think about is what my life is like now, and the things I must deal with in the present and future. If I spent time thinking of these tragic life events, I would dwell in anger, hurt and pain. I am not repressing feelings or denying that I still feel that way. However, I don't indulge the feelings.

This Memorial Day weekend was one year since my panic attack, when I found out that my husband had been unfaithful in my home while I was on vacation for the weekend. Then proceeded to find out it had been going on for three months, since he had moved out, and I was left at home to care for a 6 and 3 year old, and my pregnant self. It pisses me off just writing it.

One year feels like a lifetime. I am still angry, but I also feel that this year has brought so many changes, a lifetime worth of change.
I am grateful that this happened.
That's right - I am grateful. I thank God for many things.

1. I hadn't spoken to my dad in a year and a half, and this huge life event forced us to become closer. Literally and figuratively. I stayed in his house for two weeks while recovering from the attack, and learned to value his advice and relationship. I am thankful that we are now very close.

2. I know what I can handle. By gosh, if I can handle all of this, and live to see the other side, then I can handle just about anything!! I feel like such a strong person, and empowered to know what I can handle. People say to me, "I don't know how you do it." or "I can't believe you are going to do that - I couldn't handle it." What is my choice? to hide under a rock? I will take my children on a road trip by myself. I will try my best to raise two boys who will not remember having a father at home. I will continue to live in and maintain my house as best I can (no matter how daunting that is). I will take the children camping. Because if I can handle such a life-altering, painful situation that I did one year ago, I can handle anything!

3. I feel I have a stronger hold on my own values and my faith in God. Without Him, how would I have survived? How do I continue to survive? Only by God's grace and love. I know the values are most important to me as I live my life, especially as an example to my children.

4. I really do have a wonderful family. My brothers and sister, my mother and father, almost surprised me with what they did for me. They showed me that they are capable of unconditional love, and that they really would do anything for me. I hope one day I can show them that I would do the same.

5. I really need a vacation!!! I had been saying that for years, but man it is so true now. And I am doing something about it! I am saving money little by little so that next fall I can go away by myself.

Wayfarer Candles

My brother introduced me to this cute little candle company in Naperville, IL. They not only have a shop, but make the candles right there. They are all natural and smell soooooo good!
Visit their web site:
http://www.wayfarercandles.com/

Running Shorts

Yes, I am still training for the marathon. No, I am not on-schedule with my long runs. Kind of freaking out, but it will be ok. I have been working on the weekends, on my feet all day. So my long-run day is taken up with work. My whole schedule is off.

I only own one sports bra, and two pairs of bike shorts. That's what I run in. I love bike shorts for working out. They look terrible on anyone, but they are so comfortable.

I went to Old Navy today. Found a sports bra that fit nicely. But tried on "running" shorts. OK - seriously, who are those comfortable to? Only skinny-minnies I think. Seriously, I just walk around and I'm pulling them out of my crotch. Is it for those people whose thighs don't touch when they walk? I am running so I can become one of you, I am not there yet. So I think I will go get some cheap-o bike shorts just to bug the "runners" out there in their "running" shorts that don't work for crap for those of us that jiggle a little as we jog. so there.

The Subject of Gossip

Just got back from Chicago. I drove the whole way with all three kids by myself. It wasn't that bad at all, I have great kids and they are wonderful travelers. Last night we got to Madison, then stopped over for some sleep, to wake up early and get right on the road.

Had to stop by noon to eat and re-energize. Instead of the usual fast-food pit stop, I decided to take the fam to Perkins. Decent food, hot meal, we got to sit down and talk. So...

A large party is sat near us and I was listening a little bit to their conversations. Just by innocent proximity, not from trying to listen in. Something about selling the Nintendo DS, so-and-so getting married. Then I overheard something that could only be about ME.

The grandmother (or so I assume) said, "well I don't see a wedding ring... but some people don't wear...so maybe...."

I guess I provoke speculation. What am I doing traveling with three small children by myself? Is she alone? Is she married? Why is she alone? I am sure I invoke all kinds of questions. Not malicious, or probing, just human curiosity. And I don't blame them. I look young - a young mother alone.

Be at Peace

I went to church tonight for the kids' faith formation and spent some time in the adoration chapel. I had never done this. It was so great. I decided that I would say a rosary for my kids. Tomorrow is the day we talk to them about the divorce. Ugh!!

I was in the adoration chapel and I was trying very hard to hear from God. It is very hard for me and I struggle with it. My mind wanders, or I just feel that I can’t hear from him directly when I pray. I feel my conversations are very one-sided with him. After the rosary I just sat there, cleared my mind, and I felt so peaceful. I literally felt a warm embrace. I felt that I was being squeezed by a huge hug – I know that God was putting his arms around me. What I heard was “Be at peace. Rest.” I kept repeating it to myself, the whole way home.

Be at peace. I am also working on that. I think that what that means is verification that I am doing a good job. Be at peace with the decisions I make and the things I do right now. Be at peace with my life as it is right this very moment. OK.
Then…rest. I don’t have to do it all. I don’t have to take on everything and do it all to perfection. I can rest. Literally and metaphorically. I can just BE.

The Dog Ate My Carpet

Oh. My. Gosh.
I woke up early this morning, came downstairs with the baby, and went to open the shades in the front living room. I saw it...a bare spot in my carpet about the size of a quarter.
My jaw hit the floor.
Sunny, the dog, had been licking the same spot on the carpet for a while. The baby had thrown up there about a month ago, but I had wet it down, washed it and thought it was cleaned up. I thought that she was just licking it clean, but seriously, there is a hole in my carpet! A freakin hole!!!

Breathe...breathe...breathe...

OK. I'm better. I have nice carpet, it's cushy and clean and ivory. And I can't move furniture over this spot to hide it, either. Plus - have you ever tried to repair carpet? I can always see the seams in carpets, no matter how good the carpet layers are. Ugh!!

I am calling my dad today to see if he will take her for awhile. I just can't keep up with three kids, maintaining the house, the yard, my own life, bills, activities, and the dog. I love her dearly but seriously.

Single

So, now that I am almost single, I can taste it, breathe it and look forward to it. Over the past year, I have had quite the transformation, mainly in my own thinking. Instead of thinking of myself as a victim, and having events in my life outside of my control, I had to change the way I was thinking. Yes, I have responsibility for the death of my marriage. I do not, on the other hand, have any responsibility for others' actions and what they did to get out of the marriage.

I have been so scared to be alone, because I didn't want to be lonely. Yes, it is hard to manage a household, raise three kids, earn a living, etc. practically alone. But I have found it rather refreshing. Instead of asking what someone else thinks about rearranging furniture, or what activities the kids should be involved with, I just make the decision. It's freedom to trust my own judgements, and make mistakes on my own. I am independent by nature, and a quick decision maker. Since I don't have to answer to anyone else, I can make decisions more confidently.

What I've been scared of is being lonely, and I miss the affection of someone you care about. I am not a mushy person, but this has been the hardest part of being single so far. I miss counting on a kiss every day, or hearing that someone else loves me. I miss being able to show affection to someone. (other than my children) I am not so desperate for this interaction that I am willing to sacrifice my values just to have someone show me affection. But it's a very real feeling.

The scariest thought for me is that this is The Rest of My Life, not just a Phase of being single. There is a chance that I may never find another life partner and that I will be single for the rest of my life. There is also a chance I will fall in love again and have a partner in my life. But what if I never find that man, and these feelings that I think will pass, don't really pass. This could be it. It's not alone that I mind, but being lonely.

Self-haircut

I knew this time would come, and thank goodness it wasn't all that bad! Ben got ahold of the scissors and cut his hair. Well, I think he only cut like 4 hairs. But I didn't notice HIS hair right away, somuchas his stuffed bear's hair. His bear is Judy. I had the nail scissors on my bedside table, and before I knew it I saw him crouching down by the garbage.
He said, "Look, I gave Judy a haircut."
I said, "well now Judy looks wacky. You have a wacky hair bear."
Then his eyes got kind of big and he said very seriously, "I did my hair too. Is mine wacky?"

I couldn't even notice where he cut it, so it was fine. I reassured him that his hair would grow back but not to do that again because he'd look wacky for a while.

Then the blow - I had to tell him Judy's would never grow back.
"Judy's won't grow back because he's only a stuffed animal?
He's made of stuffed.
Things made of stuffed don't grow back, Mommy?"

No, Ben, things made of stuffed don't grow. Sorry, bud.
Oh, and Judy, you still look cool. It just looks like you stood too close to the clippers on one little ear. We'll get you one of those Build-a-bear ear bows and no one will notice.

Baby Food

My friends who know me at all, know how cheap (I prefer the word "frugal") I am. Jack started eating baby food about a month ago. I was very lax about it, since he was a preemie and behind developmentally. I didn't want to push it on him if he wasn't ready, but at the same time, I would like my breasts back eventually. He likes it, but I don't know how much he actually ingests and digests.

So, I am cheap. Super cheapo. I have the disease "If it wasn't free, I paid too much." I am always looking for a deal. Hence, all the furniture in my house is cheap crap. Maybe that has to do more with having kids, but I hate spending money. So I make baby food.

This started out of necessity when Grace was born and not having any money. I would buy a bag of frozen veggies on sale for $1, mash them in my baby food grinder, and freeze the food for future use. So now veggies are about $1.75 a bag. With one bag I can get about 8 jars of food. At the grocery store, 8 jars is about $4.50 if you are lucky. And this adds up. Right now he eats 1/3 jar a day, but that will go up and up to about 3 jars a day. That is a $1.70 savings each and every day.

So all you do is cook whatever food you want to make, so it is over-cooked, nice and mushy. If you have a babyfood grinder like I do, you grind away. If not, a food processor or blender works well, but are big containers so there is a lot of scraping. Then you use old baby food jars (from things you can't make at home like bananas, prunes, peas) and fill them about 2/3 full. Label them, with tape or marker, then freeze. Viola! You have home-made, healthy, cheap babyfood.

OK - don't try peas. I have tried it and it's very hard because you have to practially skin each pea to get the mushy stuff inside. It takes time, and is frustrating. It will clog your baby food grinder. Also, bananas don't save well. Use fresh or buy it. The best things to make are: carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans, apples, pears). Do NOT try: peas, broccoli, bananas, strawberries.

I still don't have any money, but if I did, I think I would still make my own food. You know what is in it, it's very easy and the babies like it. Viola!

Underoos

I just went shopping for new bras and panties. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel good when I wear matching undergarments. I feel like even though no one will ever see them, I look nice under all those layers. It makes you feel pretty and sexy to wear nice things like that.

For men: equate it to a new pair of socks. The kind that's slippery on most floors because they haven't been washed. They fit your foot exactly, not too tight, and are extra soft. That's what it feels like to a girl to have on fancy panties or matching undies. It's just a nice feeling.

Yeah! I have matching fancy undies! This feels better than school-clothes shopping!

R.I.P. VHS

I read a newspaper article a few weeks ago, that the last supplier of VHS is shutting his doors. No more VHS. Whatever is left at stores is it, people. Why, I ask is VHS dead? I understand it doesn't age that well, supposedly, and DVD's have a better quality.
My son sits in the other room watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, made in 1983. It's a VHS. It's as old as my little sister. The quality seems just fine, for the time it was made. It was a hand me down, from a hand me down, from a hand me down.
Here are the reasons I love VHS:
1)It's virtually kid-proof! They throw them, bang them and can put them in the VCR themselves. My kids aren't allowed to handle DVD's because of too many scratched movies or broken disks.
2) They are so cheap! You can buy your kids a whole library of Disney movies for about $1.99 a movie at Goodwill. That's economical.
3) Many of my old home movies are VHS. The ones from my childhood are classics. We used to make our own Saturday Night Live-style show in high school at sleepovers and those are hilarious! I made a few high school and college projects with camcorders, and help from the techie editing guys.
4) They last longer than people think. (see reference to 1983 movie above). AND if you accidently pull the tape out, just wind it back up. If you scratch a DVD, you can't really undo that.

I admit it. I am a closet VHS lover! They rock!

List of things

I think everyone has a list of things they want to do before they die. Even if you've never written it out (sorry, Oprah I'm a bit busy). But I think most people have a few things in their head that they would like to do, even if in their wildest dreams.

On my list would be: skydive, be debt-free (like not even a house payment), run a marathon, meet the pope, travel to 5 continents. Plus more I'm sure, if I actually wrote them down.

I asked my children's father (for lack of better term) what he wanted in life. And his list consisted of robbing a bank, and knowing what it's like to kill someone. Seriously. He said, "oh, I'd never do it, but I've always wanted to know what that feels like." Seriously? There can be no moral compass there at all. That was a huge moment for me when I realized he truly was pretending to be someone he is not.

So back to me, because it is my blog. I am going to tackle one of the things on my list this year. I figure, I am not getting any younger, no time like the present, I want to do something crazy (not kill-someone-crazy, but normal-person-crazy). I registered for Grandma's Marathon. You are probably laughing because I would be too. But if I tell people I will have more motivation for my training. I can't quit, because then I'd have to tell you all I've quit. And Lord knows how I hate being wrong.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest. Rachel came up with a training schedule to make it very easy for me to follow. She is my Yoda and I do what she says. Wish me luck.